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01-26-02 - 8:36 p.m.

So I haven't used anything since Tuesday and the beginning stages of my heroin withdrawal are beginning to set in. I.E. I'm freaking out. And since Tuesday, I've had six hours of sleep. I'm exhausted, restless, irritable, edgy, and a little paranoid. So I'm staying home, in my room, where no one can hurt me and, better than that, where I can only hurt myself. These things have been coming and going all day for two days now, all except the feeling that I'm freezing. I'm just cold all the time. And I hate it.

Emotionally I'm kind of a mess, too. But that's really not much of a change, now is it?

So Rob, who is clearly trying to force his way back into my life, must have caught the latest edition of The Daily Kellie because he called to say he wanted to see me. I was all set to say no, when out of nowhere my tongue and lips and vocal cords, in a twisted conspiracy, told him I'd be right over. He ended up having Chad drop him off here, though, and we talked for a while. He apologized for being a dick, said he wanted to see me more. I asked if he was horny. He said no. Drunk? No. So I left it at that.

I don't know what's going on with Rob. It's not really one of my main concerns right now, either. At the moment, I have to really focus on not ripping out my hair. I'm sitting here in blankets, sweatshirts, and leg warmers. You know you wish you looked as sexy as I do right this second.

My Hot Male Roommates have gone out clubbing. I was invited (of course, considering I still pay the rent and they are forever in my debt!) but I declined, preferring instead to tune my guitar. Seven times. It's something to do. It's mindless. It's simple. Like playing with your tongue stud. If I break a tooth I'll be pissed. I'm learning "Change The World" by Eric Clapton. And smoking like there's no tomorrow. For all I know, there isn't.

I'm such a fucking optimist.

 

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