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03-11-02 - 10:05 p.m. I've been thinking for a long time how to break this to the world. I've already told those closest to me, and those with whom I frequently converse online, as well as some of my friends. But putting it in my diary is another thing entirely. I don't know why. Maybe it's sort of the final admission to myself. The things I commit to this are supposed to contain a finalized sort of truth and I hate myself every time I lie here. But how to say it? With most, I just blurted it out. I made a few people guess. Others assumed and asked me directly. In the end, it's something I can't hide for long; hiding it at all seems a worthless expenditure of energy. And as long as I'm working 12+ hours seven days a week, I need all the energy I can get. I told Adam (boss) today. It seems only right he should know. Sitting here, trying to decide whether to be direct or not, I've elected to relate what transpired between us today as I told him my news. So here goes. I caught him at lunchtime in his office, where he was quietly munching on a meatball sandwich. I brought in my own meal and sat down. He looked up, only mildly surprised that I hadn't knocked first. I told him there was something I needed to tell him. At once, he was interested, but didn't say anything with his voice. His eyebrows, on the other hand, were curious. Intrigued. "I'm going to have a baby." There was no shock, no choking on meatball, no nothing. Just a quiet "Hm" and, after swallowing and wiping his mouth, a consideration. "When?" "October." "Aware as I am of your age and marital status, I don't know whether to congratulate you." "I just thought you should know." "Thank you. May I ask you some questions?" These, of course, were the same I'd already been asked, so my replies were automatic. Rehearsed, even. "Is it Leif's child?" "No." "But I thought you and he were...?" "We were." "Ah." He had stopped talking, but it was obvious there was still a great deal on his mind. "It's Rob's. A close friend." "The one you fawned over before?" I don't know if I blushed or not. I hope not. I told him, yes. Another "Hm." "It was an accident." "So I would assume. Didn't you tell me he was impotent?" "Infertile, yes. Those results were...inaccurate." "Apparently." "But I've told my family, and his, and they're all really supportive, so that's good." "You're going to keep the child?" "We are, yes." "And will you two wed?" "No." "No?" "Not at this point." "Hm." It was really uncomfortable, being there, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave. "Does he want to keep the child or get married or both or either?" "Both." "So he has asked you to marry him." "He proposed, yes." "And you refused him?" "I said 'no.'" "Because you don't love him?" "Because I'm 18." "And already preparing for motherhood." "...Yes." Another long pause and at this point, I wanted to run screaming from the room. "I'm not angry at you," he said suddenly. "You just need to know what a big endeavor this really is. For anyone." "I know." "No, you don't. Nobody who hasn't been a parent knows." I told him it was an unfair question, then, and after a little knowing reassurance from him, I took my leave. And now you know. I'm not asking for judgment, nor am I looking for support or congratulations. I just don't want to hide it from anyone anymore, especially myself. If you're really curious, email me or something. P.S. Yes, I watched it.
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