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03-17-02 - 9:52 p.m.
We got into a huge argument over this, complete with slamming doors and tears and shouting and name-calling (he called me a whore, something he hasn't ever said to me before). I mean, it makes sense that it's not his. And I know, realistically, that he doesn't hate me, even though he said he did/does. He's just angry. Hurt. Janet said that every bit of anger stems from hurt feelings. And Rob is positively livid. I told Leif�why postpone it? He said he wasn't ready to be a father. I thanked him for his honesty and hung up on him. Nothing's changed. I'm still going to have this baby. And yet, now everything is changed. Everything is different. I'm lucky I have a support group. I just wish I didn't want to jab a hypodermic needle into my arm. But I do. Oh GOD I do. And I can't. I hate myself. 11:34 p.m. addendum As per Katie's advice, I called Rob. He was with his roommate, who I had to spend a minute convincing before he'd let me talk to Rob. Once Rob was on the phone, I begged him to talk to me. "Five minutes," I said. "That's all I want." "That's more than you're going to get," he replied. But I eventually persuaded him to let me talk. I didn't bother apologizing, instead pleading with him not to act the way he is. "You cheated on me," he said. "No, I didn't. I cheated on Leif." "That's fucked up." I asked him not to leave me, told him he was all I had. He said I had Leif, that I didn't need him. I tried to explain that Leif had ditched me, too, and that I did in fact need him. But he didn't want to hear it. "Look," he said, "I'm trying really hard to pretend you don't exist right now. So leave me alone." I wish Bryan and Justin would come home. I need a hug. Crying alone is almost as pathetic as drinking alone. And I'm only allowed to do one.
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