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03-22-02 - 11:42 p.m.

I was reading old diary entries today and found a quiz I'd taken last November. I've cut out the questions that don't matter and updated the rest.

I see: Bryan and Justin making out on the couch. Seconds later, after I have told them to take it to their room, I see Bryan's middle finger in the air, while he continues to kiss his boyfriend.

I need: to call my parents. Just cause.

I find: myself becoming less and less selfish as the days go by. Is this me growing up, or just some sort of hormonal imbalance?

I want: Rob to stop being an asshole.

I wish: I could convince myself that he hasn't been using me all this time.

I hate: that I'm still so dependent on men.

I miss: the security of a relationship.

I fear: ending up ultimately alone.

I feel: exhausted, like I'm being taken advantage of by my non-working roommates.

I hear: Bob Dylan singing "Subterranean Homesick Blues."

I smell: like Victoria's Secret Garden Refreshing Shower Gel in 'Endless Love.'

I crave: emotional independence. I long for the day when I won't feel as though I have to have a man's consent in order to feel good about myself.

I search: on Google for information about anemia during pregnancy because I am both anemic and pregnant.

I wonder: how much weight I'm gonna gain and if I'll be able to lose it easily. I wonder also how I'll measure up, as a parent.

I regret: leaving Cambridge, not telling anyone about being abused as a kid, and showing Amber where and how to get a razor.

When was the last time you...

Smiled?: Yesterday.

Laughed?: Yesterday.

Cried?: About 20 minutes ago. Hormones plus fear, I guess. I'm not used to being afraid.

Bought something?: This morning. Victoria's Secret has some cute stuff in. Also I bought a shirt from GAP, a bikini from J. Crew, and a skirt from Urban Outfitters.

Danced?: It's been too long

Was sarcastic?: Can't have been long ago.

Kissed someone?: If pets don't count, then a few days ago. My mom.

Talked to an ex?: Ugh.

Watched your favorite movie?: This morning.

Had a nightmare?: Last night.

Do you...

Smoke?: no

Do drugs?: no

Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Neither, actually

Remember your first love?: Yes.

Still love him/her?: Yes.

Hate yourself?: A lot less, recently.

 

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