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03-26-02 - 2:20 p.m. I don't know what's wrong with me and because of that, I have no idea how to get any better. I took today off work, too. But I will be working tomorrow. Oh yes. Definitely. Anyway I met Tony this morning for breakfast. I was excited to find out what college was like for him, all the things he was learning, how his instructors were, things like that. I absolutely love hearing about college, considering at this point that I may never get to go. Which I think I'm okay with. But I digress. I wish now that Tony had been a hideously ugly, 110-year-old white trash widow on a respirator with stained dentures instead of an attractive 19-year-old Guamanian gentleman in excellent health with pearly whites. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt a need. It's a need, not an urge. This isn't an Herbal Essences commercial. But seeing him, I remembered just how hopelessly, pathetically lonely I am, and, for lack of better phrasing, put the moves on him. I guess I'm still attractive nearly 11 weeks into my pregnancy, which is good. He said no, we shouldn't because I would regret it. I told him I was over that, I was a changed person, and that idiot believed me. So we had a quickie in the back of his car. The entire way home he was almost silent while I toggled with the radio buttons in search of a good song. As I got out, he stopped me by grabbing my hand. So I leaned back into the car to hear him say, "I'm really, really sorry." "Tony, it's okay! I'm over that stuff." He pulled an unclear expression (regret?) and drove away. So the record's been reset and anyone who knows this song will know exactly how I feel right now. Cheap. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Stupid. Furious with myself. And lonely because I know that nobody understands. Anyone can say "I understand" and not have a fucking clue. It's just that sometimes I get so lonely I want to kill myself, but I know that dead is the loneliest place of all to be. And then I get frustrated because, realistically, I know there's no reason for me to feel so alone. Sigh. I think my favorite song, next to "Wonderwall" and "Losing My Religion" and "Imagine," is "To The Moon And Back" by Savage Garden. Darren Hayes. Mmm.
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