04-07-02 - 8:44 p.m.

I went and saw Bryan today, he's doing very well. He complained that his nurse kept shutting his door, about his food, and about having no hair gel. So I brought him some and held a mirror for him to style it. His hot-as-FUCK friend Nic brought him some pizza, which I helped him to eat.

And I called Leif. But he wasn't answering his cell so I drove myself over to his place and let myself in. He was asleep on his couch, one hand gripping his guitar to his chest. I shook him till he woke and told him we needed to talk. He was instantly attentive.

"You know what I'm here about," I said.

"Yeah."

"And you've not changed your mind?"

"I actually have thought about it a lot."

"But you're still against the idea."

"Look, you don't want me to be a dad to your kid."

"Your kid, too."

"You said you weren't positive."

"Just about. Do you believe in miracles?"

"Not really."

"Neither do I. And it's yours."

He sighed.

I waited.

"I'm under a lot of stress right now."

I said nothing. My face probably gave away my thought, though.

"October, you said?"

"Yeah."

"I'm supposed to grow up by then?"

"We both are."

"Would I have to live with you?"

I had to bite my lip a moment before answering. "No."

"I gotta think about this."

"You just told me you had been thinking about it!"

"Well, I need more time."

"No, you just don't want to be responsible. You want to sit on your ass, work minimum wage jobs, and pretend to be Stevie Ray Vaughan for the rest of your pathetic life. You still smoking pot?"

That got him mad. He told me he had quit a long time ago, that he was working two jobs, both above minimum wage, and accused me of being a hypocrite. I told him it wasn't my choice to quit using, that I no longer have choices, and that if he had any balls at all, he'd realize the same was true for him and help me out some. Then I decided to threaten him.

"You don't want to mess with me, Leif," I said. "I never lose."

He sighed again. "Look, I'll be there when the time comes. I just never thought I'd be a father, y'know? And I don't want to fuck up the kid like my dad fucked me up."

"I'm scared, too."

"Then why go through with it?"

"It just feels like the right thing to do."

He sat up, patted the couch, and I sat down next to him. "I'm sorry I'm such an ass lately."

"You really are."

He laughed.

"Seriously, though, I freakin' hate you right now."

"For real?"

"A little bit."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Why can't you be like this all the time? This is the guy I like."

"I'm a musician. We're supposed to be jerks."

"Then you're a damn fine one."

"Okay, I get it."

I left a little while after that. I don't really know if that means we've patched things up exactly. This possible friendship will, I think, progress very slowly. But it's a start.

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