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6-22-01 - 3:04 p.m. Before I go wash my hair (I have the urge to herbal) I just want to make a statement: This thing with the woman in Texas who drowned her five children disturbs the hell out of me. It's not just because I've been abused-that really has nothing to do with it, believe it or not-I think it's more along the lines that now everybody thinks this woman only did this thing because she's clinically depressed. Now, I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist, but I am clinically depressed. I know what it's like to feel the way she feels. But that is NOT an excuse for any of my behavior. I personally would expect to be bitchslapped any time I dared blame something I've done on my condition. For me-and I'm finding, in support groups and other organizations for fellow depressed folks that this feeling is shared by most-I hate myself, and I take out my depression on myself. Why else would I have spent years of my life trying to kill me? It's hard enough being depressed and having people constantly trying to cheer me up without something like this happening. Now I just know that every time somebody finds out that I have depression, they're immediately going to think about whether or not I'm about to go on a killing spree. God damn that woman. Depression is NOT an excuse for her actions. Her actions were inexcusable. Have you ever been almost drowned? Growing up unsupervised as I did in a house which had a pool, and with a typical aggressive older brother like I had, I can tell you that drowning must be the most terrifying way to die. No, my brother NEVER once tried to drown me-I want to make that clear-but, as with just about any young boy, he didn't realize his strength, and on occasion when playing in the pool, he'd hold my head underwater, thinking I could get back up if I wanted to. I've also had close spills in the ocean when surfing with Rob. When you're underwater, you are 100% helpless. You can't breathe, you can barely see, and of course there's the element of panic, which paralyzes you so that you can't move. One by one...this woman drowned them one by one. Her lawyers will, of course, attempt to claim temporary insanity, and I'm sure they'll be able to get it. However, it seems to me that she had to have known what she was doing. There's something else going on here that we just don't know about yet. It takes the average adult 6-8 minutes to drown, and you pass out before that. Let's assume that each child took 7 minutes. 7 x 5 = 35. In just over half an hour, she killed all five of her children, ages six months to seven years. Plus, she had to fill a bathtub, which, depending on the temperature and depth, could have taken anywhere from 5-20 minutes, maybe more. Yes, I understand the differences in all the different types of depression, and that during postpartum depression, many women hear voices telling them to kill themselves or their children, and that her father had just died, and this and that and the other, so my question is this: Why was she not hospitalized for her illness? If it's as severe as they say, and if she was not responding to her medication, she should not have been able to be with her kids at all. I spent two months in a mental institution-I'm not ashamed-and in those two months I received more solid psychological help than in my years of conventional therapy. I've read that she attempted suicide during a postpartum depression after her fourth child, so my next suggestion would have been STOP FUCKING!!!!!!!!!!!! If you can't handle the postpartum, then just STOP HAVING KIDS! I don't care about religious rules (her kids all had Biblical names-Noah, Luke, Mary, Paul, John) and I don't give a DAMN about her possible anti-abortion feelings. People who do not have the capacity to take care of children should not HAVE children...it just seems so simple to me... That is all.
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