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6-26-01 - 5:46 p.m.

In today's episode of As The World Turns...

Well.

Um.

So I get a voicemail message from Kellie just a bit ago...

"Hey Laura, it's me, call me back as soon as you get this. I have to talk to you, and it's important."

I mention it to a friend of mine, and am told that it would be wise of me to heed Kellie's request and call her. Something in the way she says it makes me a little uneasy, and I ask her if she knows something I don't. She tells me she can't say, and to call Kellie. So I do.

"Hey, Kel, what's up? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Yah, I'm fine. Listen, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"Ok."

A pause.

"Well?"

"He's dead, Laura."

"Who?"

"Your father."

"...Oh."

I guess I should probably feel relieved. I won't ever have to see him again, or be hurt by him, and I don't have to be afraid anymore.

But I'm not relieved. I'm not happy, either. I used to think that I'd throw the party of the century the day he died. But all I want to do is just stare straight ahead. This is the "shock" that follows the death of just about anyone.

I'm also angry. I'm angry that he took the easy way out. Why is it that people who deserve the bloodiest, most painful deaths imaginable always die of something simple? He died of a ruptured brain aneurysm. I think that's how FDR died. Believe me, there's no parallel between the two aside from cause of death. And aside from that fact, it's now over for him. It's over! He has been alleviated of all his responsiblities, has no need to ever worry about anything anymore. But for me, and for my brother and my mom, it's happening all over again. I wish I was back home...I never loved my mother and hardly got along with my brother, but at least they can somewhat identify with me. They knew him best, like I did. He doesn't have to be punished, he was never punished for the things he did to any of us. He just lived his life, was rich, well-known and highly respected, a true American sonuvabitch.

I'm really wasting too many words on this man. I'm done.

 

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