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6-27-01 - 1:30 p.m. It's nearly 2 and I just woke up. Good sleep. Yes, yes. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my father. He never once made me happy; on the contrary, he was the reason for 99.9% of all my unhappiness as a child. He hurt me, messed with my mind, screwed me over. If I'd died, he wouldn't have cared at all. He never once loved me, and I never loved him. Yesterday I was briefly angry, not because I'd lost a dad, but because I felt as though he had taken the 'easy way out,' and because I'd tried for years to kill myself to get away from him. I felt like it was all coming back, but I realized something-it can't come back if I don't let it. I'm old enough to take care of myself in every aspect of life, so why am I still not protecting my emotions? I'm going to be very busy with my new life, and the last thing I need to be doing is wasting my time on him...especially if he's dead! And honestly, I feel...well, I'm indifferent towards him. I could spend the rest of my life complaining about how awful it was, and that I never had a "daddy," and he abused me and ruined me, but I'm not going to. I have a good life-some might even call it great-and I'd be depriving myself of living it if I did nothing but wallow in self-pity. So, I'm done. On a more typical (for me to write about) note, I have to make a confession. Noah and I would be perfect together. I realize every 13-year-old says that about her favorite movie star, but I'm not 13 and he isn't a movie star...that I know of. The thing is, I like smart guys-and he's the smartest guy I've ever met. He's kind, hilariously funny, compassionate, warm, giving, open-minded, understanding, and quite obviously loyal, if his recent cheating whore ex-girlfriend is any indication. And yes, he's cute. Kellie says he's "O-kay" but he has the kind of appearance that I'd call pleasant. It really grows on you, too. They say a person's personality can have an impact on their physical appearance, and that's true. Cuz I think Noah's a hottie. Also, this is my favorite part-I can be my nerdy self with him. Last night we were watching The Great Mouse Detective and paused it to calculate Basil's insanely complex equation, until Lexi called us "weirdos" and we decided maybe it was unwise to challenege the mind of the all-powerful Basil of Baker St. And I've decided that my favorite movie is Good Will Hunting. Why? I absolutely LOVE that "smart-kid-with-a-bad-past-showing-up-the-rich-kids-at-MIT" type of movie. Finding Forrester is another great one. Plus, Matt Damon makes it easier to watch. I got an email last night asking why I'm called "Hoebag." Well, my dear Vincent, it's actually a field hockey name. Why did I get it? No, it's not because of anything I ever did with my field hockey stick (ouch), nor does it have anything to do with any of the players on any of the male-oriented teams back at Ye Olde Serra High. I was actually having a fake argument with my dear friend Super Jess (she's super cuz she's Jess) during practice one day and we began calling each other some insane names. "HOEBAG!" she said. "SLUT BUCKET!" I shouted back. The names stuck. Though she sometimes calls me "Slut Bucket" and also "Sack Of Hoe," so I dunno. But "Hoebag" actually became a nickname, and lots of people call me that. I don't find it offensive, why should you? :) Plenty of mothers call their children names like "Poopie" and I really don't think that's any less disturbing that "Hoebag." I made my own (well, had it made) prom dress-lime green with the word "HOEBAG" embroidered across the back, just above my ghetto booty. Well, I wanted to be sure nobody else would have the same dress. Lime green's not a very formal color. It was great. :) Song of the day/week/year/forever is "Obla-Di Obla-Da" by the four and only Beatles. Go download it...and then buy the album!! God I love this song. Totally fits my mood. Obla-di, obla-da, life goes ooooooon, yah! La la la la, life goes on...
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