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7-18-01 - 4:14 a.m. "I'm going going...back back...to Cali Cali..." Seriously, though. I am. So much has happened this week that I've decided I need to go home, back where I belong, and get comfortable in my skin before I dare try anything ever again. Lemme explain... Noah and I had sex. The condom broke. Then my period didn't come on schedule. I got nervous, went out and bought a few home pregnancy tests (I'm never late) and they all came out "inconclusive." So I went and saw a doctor and was told I was pregnant. I told Noah, who at first seemed OK with it, but then ditched me to go to work. This was around 11 a.m. and he didn't come back till past midnight. When he did, I told him I couldn't bring a child into the world, what with all my addictions and personality defects, and that, for me, abortion would honestly be the most humanitarian thing to do. He said it was "out of the question" and that if I didn't want a kid, I should give it to him and "just leave." We had a huge argument. I had called Rob to tell him, and he decided to get on the next plane he could. That was Sunday. He's here now. Yesterday I had cramps. Today I started my period. So back to the clinic I went, saw a different actual doctor, who told me there was no way I could be pregnant. She re-tested me, showed me my previous report-everything was negative. They had given me someone else's results. Which sucks on so many levels that I can't even describe. So I've left Noah. He was being so terrible to me, and it's clear I still have absolutely no character judgement ability and am still incredibly naive about men despite the number I've been with...damn I wish the female body attracted me. Why couldn't I have been born a lesbian? Guys just suck so much. And on top of that, I'm an idiot. So I dropped my classes, packed my things, bought a ticket, and will be back in San Diego on Thursday. Maybe you'll think I'm making a mistake, but I disagree. I need time to think without having to turn something in the next day. Too much has happened in the past few months for me to just ignore like I'd like to. I hate life, life hates me, but maybe if I just sit back and relax for a while we'll be able to come to some kind of an agreement.
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