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07-26-03 - 10:08 p.m. Is it writer's block when you can't think of anything to put into your diary? Or is that some kind of life block? Ricky. He's a conundrum, that kid. I think he smokes. Twice in the past week I've caught a whiff of tobacco on him, and neither time did he supply a satisfactory excuse. He nearly got arrested for smashing mailboxes the other day, and I know he parties. If he's a virgin, I'll eat my left hand. He has girls calling him all the time. What the hell do I do? And how do I do it without being a hypocrite? At his age, all of four years ago, I was sleeping off my hangovers in class and sneaking out between periods to shoot up. I had about a zillion sex partners and though I (miraculously) maintained my #1 rank in my graduating class, I know that that was a fluke. I don't want him to be like me. I want him to be happy. He's in therapy, and he spends a lot of time with Rob (probably the most positive male influence anyone could ever wish to have), but as far as my personal relationship with him goes, it's complicated. I try to set boundaries, but I mean, what kind of a hypocrite am I, and how can I expect him to take me seriously? I'm not his mother, and I'm not trying to be, but I want him to survive high school, more than just physically, and at this rate, who knows? I tore into his report card, which came in the mail, because I knew he'd hide it from me. The fucker lied to me about his grades and I stupidly believed him. He said his C in geometry was being raised to a B thanks to all the help I and his teacher had given him. It's a D! A fucking D. That's not passing, that's scraping the bottom of the barrel and oozing on through. His GPA is 2.5! He told me he had a 3.17, and I was thrilled with that. I don't want to be like my parents and force him to have a 4.0+, because that was fucking hell. I just want him to have Cs or better. Bs are great, As are stupendous. With everything he's been through, I'm not gonna be picky as long as he's passing enough to get into college. Or if he decides to do community, that's cool too, as long as he goes somewhere. I haven't mentioned his grades to him, because I don't know how to approach the subject. Fucking fifteen-year-olds.
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