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7-27-01 - 12:16 a.m. Whew...there are so many things I want to say, and yet I don't know how to word them. Expect this diary entry to ramble. Or maybe it won't, if I discover some sort of mental organization method along the way. Which is doubtful. I have my own place now. I found a tiny piece-of-crap apartment a short distance from the beach, so it's really cold at night (like now) but warm and beautiful during the day. When I say it's tiny, I mean it. There are closets with more square footage than my entire apartment. Can I afford bigger? Sure. Do I want to? Nah. I have yet to purchase homely items such as a bed and flatware. I've mostly been eating fruit and chicken caesar salads from various restaurants these past few days. I'll probably hit up Ikea or Pier 1 tomorrow for some actual eating utensils. Maybe K-Mart. So far, my furniture consists of the following: -one zebra print futon (it was that or Pokemon print) I think I'm off to a pretty good start, don't you? Honestly, I love my apartment. True, I haven't even lived here a week, but there's just something about being this close to the beach and yet still in a very major part of the city that is absolutely perfect, for me at least. My favorite thing about it is something I only get to experience at night. If I go outside on my miniscule balcony I can just see the ocean, and I've made it a point to watch the sun set every night of my residence here. If you've never seen the sun as it goes down, I highly recommend it. I love the way it flashes bright green at the very last second, and the way it's suddenly so dark after it's gone. And during this you can smell the salt in the water and hear the waves lapping against the shore, but at the same time you hear the reassuring sounds of traffic just down the street, and it's just enough to remind you that even though you're this close to one of nature's most incredible feats-the Pacific Ocean-you're still a stone's throw from modern civilization. Pacific Beach has always been my favorite part of San Diego, because it's just so different from the rest of it. San Diego's a wonderful city, but for people like me, people who just are so much "different" from everyone else, PB's the best place to be. It's as close to San Francisco as I'll ever get on my current budget. Maybe when I'm ready, I'll go to Berkeley. Kellie and Rob always said I should...to which I usually replied, "So should yer mom." I'm 17. I have time. But anyway, I'm really loving living in PB. Everybody here is friendly and openminded and compassionate and the guys are shirtless. Mm. Yay. :) Well, I didn't drink today. I didn't drink yesterday, either. Lancer came online briefly this evening and was somewhat teasing me about drinking, but I didn't really feel like going into the whole "I'm sobering up...no, really...I'm serious!" crap with him yet again, lord knows the poor man's been through enough of that. I called my old therapist this morning and made an appointment for next week. Let's see...what else...ah, yes, last night. Last night I attended a Britney Spears party. How could I not? I have the rug. The one rule was to come dressed as Britney. I went dressed in my Airband costume, the flesh-toned thing, and looking at the pictures Kellie got back today, I have lost a very substantial amount of weight. Why don't I ever notice these things?! I mean, yah, I have been wearng smaller bras, but that's almost normal for me. When I gain and lose weight, The Twins are usually the first to know, if you get my drift. I'm officially, once again, a skinny bitch. And to tell the truth, I like how I look. This figure looks good on me. I may not have an enormous rack, but who the hell cares? I certainly don't need breasts to impress any friends, now do I?
I'll post a link to the pictures once they're scanned so you can all see what I look like. Be afraid...be very afraid. Tonight Rob came over to provide Moral Support cuz I was feeling a little down. There isn't anything between us, but I knew that since Kellie knew he knew where I lived (didja get that?) I figured she'd be able to guess that he would want to come over. See, Kellie thinks all Rob and I do is...well, fuck. This is not true. But anyway, Kel calls my cell phone any time she thinks she can catch me "in the act" so Rob and I planned to make sexual noises if she did call. *Ring ring* Carrie told me Kel honestly thinks I'm a prostitute. As in, walking the streets, leaning over in men's cars, offering prices and letting them have their way with me. What the hell?! I just had a very serious pregnancy scare and broke up with the world's second biggest asshole (the first being my biological father) on the face of the earth. The very last thing I want right now is sex! I could go for a chocolate chip muffin, though. To wrap this up: I don't want to say that I'm "turning my life around" just yet. Every time I've said that I've done the 180, then another 180 to end up being stupid again. So um...I need to buy some kitchen items and get those pictures scanned. Soemthing I'm noticing is that when you start freaking out about all the "big things" like college and the future and how it's all going to end, you miss out on some of the smaller things, like my sunsets. And even if a lot of people disagree, I think some of these little things can have a huge impact on somebody's personality. Go watch the sun set next time you have a chance. Don't stop watching it until that very last flash of green. It only takes a couple minutes and can leave you feeling great for the rest of the night. It's just so simple and relaxing and beautiful. I love them! Toldja I'd ramble. :)
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