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8-9-01 - 7:30 a.m. I would just like to say that last night sucked ass. It honestly did. Here are the reasons why: Remember how I planned on making dinner? Well, I did, and it was pretty good, too. However, if there is one thing I have to admit to being afraid of, it's that horrible dough explosion one must experience every time one wishes to open a can of Pillsbury Grands! biscuits. The biscuits themselves are delicious, but this phenomenon of (presumably) pressurized yeast and air, which are released very quickly when one pulls at the outer paper wrapping on the canister, can be likened to the pulling of the pin when dealing with a grenade. It's the same, really. You might laugh, but try it some time. See if you don't jump when the dough explodes. There was this thing on the news a few years back dealing with such a dough explosion, and it has become somewhat of an urband legend by now. What happened was this: A woman driving home from the grocery store heard what she thought was a gunshot and felt a warm gooey substance on the back of her head. Hours later, passersby found her on the side of the road, clutching the nape of her neck and refusing to move. They asked her what was wrong and she told them she had been the victim of a drive-by shooting and was holding her brains in. Upon closer inspection, the passersby discovered that the culprit was indeed not an angry armed driver, but instead an exploded canister of biscuit dough. It was pretty funny, but I can totally see myself in that situation. Well, actually, no I can't, because I like to think of myself as having more brains than a 13 oz. can of pressurized dough. Anyway, when I opened the biscuits, thinking they would nicely complement the magic chicken (magic because it actually tasted really good) I had made, the little bastards decided to A) scare the crap out of me and B) go flying all over the kitchen. I had biscuit dough bits in my hair, on the stove, Rob nearly was pelted, it was just a big mess. All in all, there were really only about three-and-a-half whole biscuits left in the canister, which I promptly threatened with re-refrigeration and baked. Dinner was pretty good, truth be told, even though I nearly did have a heart attack. The second reason last night sucked ass can be summed up in seven words: I locked my keys in my car. Rob and I went with Chad and Carrie to get some late-night milkshakes from Denny's, and when we got back to my car (I drove us all) there were my keys on my little decapitated, hexaplegic Cootie keychain, resting cozily on the driver's seat. So of course I had to call...my parents. *Ring ring* George? It's Laura. Hi, Laura, what's wrong? Why do you automatically assume something's wrong? *sound of someone picking up the phone* Hello? Sharon, honey, I got it. Hi, Sharon. Oh, hello, Laura! How are you, honey? She's a little defensive. Laura, are you okay? Are you hurt? Are you alone? No, I'm not, I'm just- Did you talk to Janet this week? Yes! Look, all I need- Laura, are you telling us the truth? YES. Are you sure, honey? Jesus Christ, YES! Watch your mouth, young lady! Sorry. Will you two just listen- Now, George darling, let's not lose our tempers. Is Ricky there? Yes, he is. Can I talk to him? Sure. Hold on. I'll talk to you later, then. We love you. You are a very special girl. That's what they tell retarded kids. Just get him, please. I'm gonna go, too, honey, alright? We do love you, very much. Come see us soon, won't you? Yes, okay, whatever. Bye, Laura. *click* Hello? Ricky? Hey Laura! How are you? Please shut up. Okay...? Get my spare set of keys and find a way to get to Denny's. Hitchhike if you have to. I locked my keys in my car. Oh, that sucks! Just do it. Please? Okay, I'll get Dad to bring me, okay? Is Carrie with you? Yah, her and Chad and Rob. Oh, are you and Rob going back out? Ricky, please just get the keys to me. Okay, bye! *click* And so the keys finally came, and I was able to take everyone home. Admittedly it wasn't the worst night of my life, but considering this all happened on about five hours of sleep, it was definitely not fun, either.
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