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8-10-01 - 3:01 a.m. "Egad a base tone denotes a bad age." -TMBG ("I Palindrom I") God damn my night sucked. I'll type it out later. I just got home like 10 minutes ago. I need sleep. But I know I won't get any. I'll just lie in bed for hours and hours and hours and then finally pass out from exhaustion for no more than two hours and wake up much too early, with a migraine, skip breakfast, get on the computer and continue to rot. I hate myself when I'm bitchy and depressed like this. I hate myself when I'm not bitchy and depressed like this. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation and all I want to do is sleep through the darn thing. Can someone explain to me what the fuck I'm so stressed out about when there is absolutely nothing going on in my life?! I realize stress isn't necessarily caused by any one factor or anything, but it'd be nice if I could pinpoint something. I think if Diaryland ever has awards, I should automatically win the one for "Most Random Mood Swings Per Hour." It just has my name engraved all over it. I've changed my mind. I do think I'll write about tonight. I'm kinda wired anyway. Sitting around munching on some sort of processed food Rob had picked up on his way home from work, our back-and-forth symphonic conversation (consiting of a wide variety of sounds heard only when attempting to converse with a mouth full of Bowl Appetite) was interrupted as his cell phone rang, the Nokia tune blasting over the scrape of metal forks on plastic bowls. (That was a really long sentence. Move over, Henry James!) He answered it, shot me a strange look, set his food aside, and left the room. Immediately my Suspicious Moron gland started spasming and I had to find out who was on the other line. So, under the pretense of rinsing out and throwing away my bowl, I tuned in to hear what sounded, to my idiotic self, like the kind of phone conversation either best friends or a couple would have. It made me wonder why he'd leave the room if it was one of his frat buddies or Chad. He hasn't done it before, not during dinner or anything. Sensing that the chat was soon to end, I dashed back into the living/dining/TV room and smiled cheerily when he came back. "Who was that?" I asked, trying to sound. "Oh, nobody." Nobody. Right. I asked him again, saying he could tell me, and he again said it was "nobody." Well, I couldn't handle that. So I freaked, asking if he was seeing somebody else. He looked shocked and said that no, of course he wasn't. "That's what you said last time," I said. "And it was true last time, wasn't it?" I told him that I wasn't sure I could trust him (which is completely untrue-I trust him above anyone else) and asked him to go. He asked if we were breaking up. I said I didn't know. He asked if we'd even been back together for a week. I said I didn't know. I told him again to please leave. He hugged me and asked me what was wrong, but I pulled away and again told him to leave. He said he loved me and I felt myself starting to cry. As if my stupidity wasn't humiliating me enough. And if this isn't irony, I don't know what is: My Winamp playlist just changed to "Don't Cry" by Seal. I didn't ask/force Rob to leave because I didn't want him to be here. Truth be told, I didn't want to be alone. I know I'm not mad at him, and I know it wasn't some girlfriend of his on the other line, and I know he actually does care about me. I'm just having an elongated "psycho moment," as Kellie so cleverly dubbed my mood swings. And to think I'm actually not bipolar. I called Janet at home, something I absolutely hate doing. But it had come to the point where I found myself with a newly bought pack of 60 bobby pins, and I was bending them all, one by one, into almost-straight lines, just to keep from hurting myself by cutting, burning, smoking, drinking, fucking, anything. I also hated that it was so late, but she was home, and awake, and seemed in a pretty tolerant mood. I told her everything that had happened, talked to her for a while, and then cried some more after hanging up. Then I called Justin and Bryan and headed on over to the Living Room (coffe shop) to get out of the apartment. Their strawberry mochas are to die for. Justin and Bryan are such an insanely cute and quirky couple that just being with them and listening to them be themselves was enough to make me at least smile. Then I came home, threw away my bobbypins, cuddled with my cat (the cat I'm not actually allowed to have here) and now here I am. On the phone, Janet asked me what I wanted, in life. What do I want? I guess what I want is to just get through a day without doing something I'll regret. Seeing as how I regret everything I do, something tells me I'll just have to be extremely patient. I also want to make sense, to me and to everybody else. Trust me, you're not as confused about me as I am.
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