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8-18-01 - 10:38 p.m. I'm sitting here waiting for 11:30 to roll around, waiting for SNL to start, and desperately wanting to get drunk. Or not even to waste myself. I just want a drink, which would become two, and three, and four, and...so I guess I do want to get drunk after all. But I'm not going to. Because I can't. And it's driving me insane. I believe that this, my need for alcohol, is the number one source of the anxiety I've been having. Bryan's parents and my grandparents are not helping things. My friend Haley is going to the Jewel concert tomorrow. She was supposed to go with Julia, but Julia can't go suddenly. So I'm being made to go. I have two Jewel CDs but they aren't exactly among my most frequently played albums. All day long I've been running my fingers through my hair. It's becoming almost compulsive. It's there, and my fingers want to touch it, so they do. I want to be famous. I don't know why or what for, but as of this very second I want to be famous and glamorous and beloved. True, I would also be hated and envied and not given even the slightest amount of privacy, but it's not like I have that now, what with Kellie constantly playing the part of paparazzi sans camera. She seriously does snoop around in everything I do and everything I own. It's really pathetic. I think I will be famous. I'll be like Zsa Zsa Gabor-nobody will know why I'm famous, but everyone will know who I am. Then I'll go on national television and make ridiculous claims like I invted the question mark (an Austin Powers rip, I know). I'll drop my last name and change my first to something like Jenica and everyone will whisper my name as I walk by, and run screaming up to me, begging me to sign whatever surface my diamond-encrusted 24 KT gold ballpoint pen can write on. And I'll date (and marry) the current Hollywood hottie and have my inevitable breakup with him talked about like the weather. And I'll wear a different scandalous, barely-there dress to every major awards show and chat with Joan and Melissa Rivers, who will revert back to their junior high mentality as soon as I've strutted my Aigner heels away. And I'll make insane amounts of money every day and endorse L'Oreal and Pepsi and Calvin Klein. But before that all happens, I'm gonna have to get sober. Which is why I'm not going to drink tonight.
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