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9-17-01 - 5:13 p.m. I'm losing it, officially. It's all coming apart. I just want a tranquilizer and a stiff martini. But it's probably just a two-day funk kind of thing. Or "teen angst." There are far too many things on my mind. This much thinking should be illegal. I can't do this without alcohol. There's just no way. I just want a clear, empty mind. For just a few hours. I could get that if I got drunk. Of course I'd also be a stumbling moron, but at least the alcohol would trick me into thinking I'm happy for a while. See, I woke up this morning. And I was pissed. I almost didn't make it to work. Bryan actually physically dragged me out of my bed and took off my nightshirt and made me get dressed. I just was limp and silent. Childish. I need to act my age. But I am still a teenager. For 745 more days. I'm turning 20 in 745 days. I can't believe my last drink was only five (six?) weeks ago. It seems as though I have been depressingly sober for years. Keep on truckin'. And I still have to go to college. I wish I could laugh like I'd planned to. "So take this moment, Mary Jane, and be selfish. Worry not about the cars that go by. Cuz all that matters, Mary Jane, is your freedom..."
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