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9-28-01 - 3:38 p.m. I hate it when Janet asks me painfully obvious questions. Today's highlight was: "Laura, tell me. Why are you so angry?" I couldn't even answer her for a moment. I had to take a few seconds to compose myself and purge my mind of bitchy, immature, sarcastic thoughts, and then said, simply, "I just am." Therapists hate those three words. I know this for a fact. "I just am" and "I don't know" are like kryptonite to psychologists. Janet says she sees me going back into my "hiding things" way of living, that I'm beginning to bottle everything up the way I used to, when I first started seeing her. I don't think so. I have a diary that's on the freaking internet. So I think I'll start recording my sobriety in hours now. That way it sounds longer. I have been sober for approximately 29 hours. Okay, so maybe it doesn't sound longer. At least, not when compared to my recent 1,080-hour run. I still don't know where I was or what I was doing on Wednesday. It's like I think I know, but not enough to put it into words. It's like when you're thinking of a song, but you can't remember the tune, words, or artist, yet you somehow feel you know what song you're thinking of. It's frustrating as hell. Physically, I feel fine today, just more tired than normal...which is saying something since I'm always tired. I went to work, got three inches trimmed off my hair (which really made very little difference in the length, but at least now I'm split-endless), saw Janet, and washed my car. I guess I'm feeling the need to make up for the loss of productivity from yesterday. Tonight I'm gonna help Kellie write a screenplay for a video she has to make in her history class, and will probably end up doing all her homework. It's easy, and at least it's something to do that doesn't involve alcohol. The cravings have been baaaaaaaad today. I don't think it helped that I started my day with a Venti (large) Caramel Frappuccino with three shots of espresso. It was an expensive breakfast, but at least it woke me up. And according to the world, that's what I need to do. Wake up. Grow up. Get over it and get on with it. Whatever the hell "it" is.
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