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10-17-01 - 10:48 p.m. About that fight thing... Monday night I again went out with Leif. We got smoothies from Jamba Juice and drove around idly for a while, parking atop a hill to chat for a bit. I know a lot about him now, about his life, his family, his past, present, and future. Usually I just let him talk. I still don't feel comfortable enough letting him in on my not-so-secret secrets. We didn't have sex, but we did fool around some. On the way home we listened to Loveline on the radio and cracked up every time Adam opened his mouth. He walked me to my door and we kissed goodnight. I was just closing the door when I heard a familiar voice behind me ask, "Who was that?" I knew the voice as well as I know my own. Turning around, I found Rob sitting in an armchair, glaring at me. I didn't move, but siuddenly wondered where Bryan was. I needed support. I told Rob Leif's name, saying he was a friend of mine. I noticed that Rob's knuckles, gripping the armrests, were white. I wondered just how long he had been sitting there. "Were you waiting for me?" I asked him. He didn't answer, just stared at me. His expression was cold, and had it been anybody else, I would have been terrified . As it was, I felt a little uneasy. So I kept my mouth shut. "Where did you meet this 'friend'?" he asked me. I told him. Again, no response. "You're home early," I tried. "You seem disappointed. Or shocked." "Of course I'm not disappointed. It's great to see you. Where's Bryan?" From the next room I could hear Bryan calling to me to leave him "the hell out of it." I assumed he and Rob had had words prior to my arrival. I found myself suddenly defensive and angry. I asked Rob what right he had to stay up and wait to question my whereabouts as though I were his child. He asked why I hadn't told him about Leif. I told him I didn't want to hurt him. "Are you dating him?" "No." "Are you in love with him?" "NO." "Then how would it hurt me?" "I don't know. Why are you being so suddenly possessive?" I'd never seen him this way and I didn't like it at all. I told him he was being ridiculous and left the room to get ready for bed. He followed me, asking me just about every inappropriate question you could ever think up about Leif, only about four of which I even bothered to respond to. Which is not to say I answered any of them. I merely reacted, once with a "Fuck you." Eventually it ended up in a huge argument, the type where we raise our voices because we're right in front of one another and therefore apparently can't hear what the other is yelling, the kind in which one party (Rob, in this case) leaves the apartment in a rage, slamming the door behind him. It was the kind of fight after which I was so angry I threw the closest thing I could find (my toothbrush, in this case) at the door long after he had left. Yesterday morning I woke up to find him sitting on the edge of my bed, finger-combing my hair. It scared the hell out of me. I swear I nearly had a heart attack. I told him to get off and get out, but he merely stood and smile and said he was sorry. I was still pretty freaked out, though, and demanded that he stop treating me like a four-year-old and get out. He did, but then at breakfast, we talked it over for a long time, and again for a short while today. He admitted to being jealous. There's nothing I can do about that. He wants to live with me, he's just going to have to understand that I can have male friends who aren't gay. I can sleep with them, too. I told him he would always be my favorite friend and that I was sorry for hurting him. I think we're okay right now. There's some tension, but no hatred or anything like that. As for some other friendships, who knows? I guess I'm just pissing people off left and right this week. Everyone is saying I'm not as "open" as I used to be, that I'm "clamming up" and not talking about things. I will when I'm ready. But I have to figure out what's bothering me first. Then I'll talk about it. Maybe.
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