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11-04-01 - 9:12 p.m. I need something that doesn't exist. If any ingenious inventor is reading this and would like to create for me and me alone a remote control that will allow me to fast-forward anything inconvenient, I'd really appreciate that. What is the matter with me?! Why is everything in reverse for me? Things are finally going my way, so of course I'm feeling shitty. I cut tonight. I took a pair of scissors, flattened the blades on the handles, and pressed one of the sharpened edges into my palm, right below my thumb. It took a lot of work. Scissor blades aren't very sharp. I wiped the blood off the scissors before returning them to the drawer. I went more than two months without cutting. I'm so disappointed in myself I could...well, I could cut. I haven't told my boys, but I have a feeling Rob knows. It's pretty grotesque-looking, since there's so much bruising around the incision. Incision, I say. As though this were surgery. Tomorrow I will not drink. Too much shit to do. And my hand hurts like a motherfucker. I should just cut my goddam hands off. That would quell this urge to slice them up. But that's just crazy talk. I'm such a loser.
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