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11-12-01 - 8:50 p.m. My friend is listening to the Lion King soundtrack and just IM'd me with this: "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA TZIBENYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH bubur geety vavaaaaa sssiitty voooooommmm...ven yam wayho veyayo, been yaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaan" It made me giggle. "Circle Of Life" is a crazy great song. This is my two-hundred-and-first entry spectacular. Let me break down how this is gonna work. I'll begin by explaining a few things about my layout. Next, I'll go through my entries and highlight some events that have occurred in the past few months, complete with links to corresponding ramblings. Then, I'll comment on how things were/are, and finally, I'll end it with a treat. A couple people have wondered about the title of my diary. It's a song lyric, and I change it every time I change the photo in the background. The current one is from "Criminal" by Fiona Apple, which is one of my most favoritest songs ever, and, as you'll recall, an excellent song to strip to. I spent a long time deciding on the current lyric. I had three other choices, all from the same song: "I've been a bad, bad girl" and "What would an angel say? (The devil wants to know)" and "He's all I ever knew of love" but decided to go with what you see above because it will work better in the longrun, so I think. Before this, I had Britney Spears' "Stronger" ("My loneliness ain't killin' me no more.)" I had "Oops!..I Did It Again" ("Can't you see? I'm a fool in so many ways.") I had RENT's "What You Own" ("Leave your conscience at the tone"). I had Madonna's "What It Feels Like For A Girl" ("Do you know what it feels like for a girl?") and "Substitute For Love" ("Should I wait for you, my substitute for love?") as well as a previous Fiona Apple, ("Fast as you can, baby, run, free yourself of me"). Because I've been too lazy to delete my old diary backgrounds, you can see them here: Shakira now graces the background of my archive, currently you're looking at Angelina Jolie. I remember when I started this diary in May, it was because Lily's diary had inspired me. I only had the one entry for May because I broke my shin and moved to Cambridge, Massachussetts to live with Lexi and attend Harvard University. (As I'm typing this I'm sitting in my Berkeley sweatshirt.) I instituted my own holiday and cancelled it before it had the chance to catch on. My first semi-opinion piece about Andrea Yates drew in a number of IMs and emails from people thanking me for my intelligent outlook and I think it may have gained me a few more readers than my pointless vanity-related entries. When Noah told me he liked me I was hesitant to date him so as not to lose him as a friend. I decided to think about it for a little bit, but in the meantime, my father decided to die. This made me so angry and confused that I wound up doing some stupid things, like dating Noah. I really liked him. I mean, I really liked him. I thought he was a genuinely good person and I thought his feelings for me were true, that he wasn't just a player. Despite my claims that I longed for a celibate relationship, I slept with Noah and got angry when people weren't happy about my decision. Truth is, I wasn't angry at Kellie for admonishing me. I was angry at myself for not saying no to him. This led to me feeling stupid and sorry for myself. I left a rather ambiguous one-word entry which was later explained as I reluctantly decided to come home to California. I was thrilled to be home until I realized that living across from the house I grew up in, under the care of my overprotective parents-via-adoption was driving me so crazy that I blew up at Sharon. I slashed my palm (a very visible scar) and became an angry little bitch. I stopped talking to the people in my family and tried to isolate myself. However, I couldn't do that while still living with them. So I moved out. It was great for a while until I decided to come clean about my feelings, about myself and about Rob. Rob and I went out for some good, clean fun and had a chat about each other. Getting my cast off put me in a very good mood until I discovered the meaning of the word "atrophy" first-hand. I had a fake stalker for a little while, who turned out to be Alison, with whom I broke a sober streak. I basically told her to go to hell and leave me alone. Which she did. After feeling pretty down, Rob and I went through the sprinklers and I felt good for while. Dear Friend Bryan came out to his parents with less-than-ideal results, and later moved in with me. When my grandparents came to town, they made me feel like shit, and I resorted to cutting again. But I threw my penknife away, had a talk with Sharon, and caught appendicitis. I wrote an essay about my summer of the damned, hoping to end it. Then my mom died. But still I tried to remain optimistic. I went out with my long-lost brother and we had a wonderful time and found we had a great deal in common. After breaking up with Rob for the 23487523857th time, I invited Andrew over for some "I Need To Feel Validated" sex, but when he arrived, my long-dead conscience hit me over the head, and I said no to him. Everything in America came to a screeching halt on September 11th. You know why. Some people didn't like my opinion but I didn't (nor do I now) give a damn. As things settled down and the country went back to "normal," I decided to make a list of all the the people I've lost over the summer. I broke my six-week sober streak and wasted myself, waking up in a strange room, alone and scared. I ended up spending a weekend in rehab and Rob moved back in and I had sex with Leif. This angered Rob, who scared the shit out of me with an interrogation that led to a fight. I broke it off with my manager and Leif and streaked at the Homecoming football game. Still I was feeling sorry for myself. Which ended when Rob told me that he was incapable of making babies, even though that still doesn't make sense to me. So, I got mad. And I got a tattoo and broke down in Vons. Rob tried to make me jealous, and succeeded in doing so by introducing me to Estella, prompting me to admit to him that I love him. I whined about being misunderstood all the time and cut my hand up again, and then had a scary dream. I took a little bit of time to dwell on recent events before going on vacation. And of course, last night, I kicked out Rob. Today I gave myself a lazy day sans Rob. It was a little awkward being in the apartment without him. He was here before Bryan or Justin, and without him, it just feels...weird. I'll get used to it, though. I'll have to get used to it. I don't want to see him. I do not want to see him. I refuse to even so much as glance at him. I just want him to hold me, but keep my eyes closed. "La la la la, life goes on..." I went out to dinner and a movie with Leif tonight, again, completely innocent. No sex, just him giving me a kiss after walking me to the door. We saw Monsters Inc., mostly for the Star Wars II trailer. I'm sorry...I'm sure SW2 is gonna be awesome, but I cannot take it seriously just because of its title. "Attack of the Clones?!" It sounds like something I would have titled one of my third-grade detective stories. Now, for the "treat," which will probably seem bittersweet for anyone who's sick and tired of this entry�and who wouldn't be? I know I am. If you click here you'll be taken to a page on which you can download a short clip of my voice. There's a catch: I'm nine years old and singing a song with my then-best friend. Good times! As I draw this entry to a close, ponder this: After reading however much of my diary, how well do you think you know me? Find out: Think about it...and thanks for reading. :)
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