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11-26-01 - 3:02 p.m. After working the register at work (so as not to be near food) for just over two hours, my Artificial Waitress Smile malfunctioned and I begged Keith to let me go home, which he did, very reluctantly. I called Sharon from the road, in tears, and asked if there was any way she could cancel her afternoon appointments. She told me she had to take her 9:30 patient, but that she'd be home around ten. I met her at the house, which was empty except for Rob and his mom (Linda). I spent a fair amount of time with my sunglasses still on my eyes, biting my nails and sitting on Sharon's bed in the master bedroom, waiting for her to come home. When she arrived, I threw my arms around her and sobbed. I hate that word, but really, it's the best one to describe what I did. It was this sudden outburst of everything that I've been feeling. We sat on the bed and she just let me carry on for god knows how long. And after a while, my mind cleared, my throat unclenched, my heart slowed, and I could think again. I was quiet for a time before saying, "I want to go to sleep now." I woke up at two, warm and comfortable in Sharon's bed. I rolled out of bed, walked down the hall, and as I passed the room where Rob was staying, I heard his voice say, "Hey! Laura!" I rolled my eyes and went to see him. He asked, "What was the tirade all about?" "None of your business," I snapped. "I bet the neighbors heard you." I walked out. But then I decided I wanted to say something. So I went back into his room, looked him square in the eye, and said, "You are a selfish, spoiled, conceited, pathetic excuse for an ex-boyfriend. I'm not interested in anything you have to say. Goodbye." Then I came home. And so I'm here, sitting quietly, feeling...I don't know. I'm not confident, but I do feel a bit lighter. I'm applying to a few colleges, just to have a back-up in case I don't go to Harvard and instead want to wait until Fall to leave. I have no plans for tonight. Maybe I'll go to dinner with my mom and dad. I need to set some goals, have something to work for. In high school, I set goals so as not to have my ass kicked by my mother. Now I have to do things for myself and I'm completely lost. I have no ambition, no idea where I'm going, nor where I want to go. I think I want to go to college, but not Harvard. I wouldn't fit in at all there. I need a school where people are open-minded and forgiving. In or near a major city would be nice for, er, shopping purposes...(I am still a normal girl in many respects). And I don't want to go too far. No more than two hours' plane ride away. Harvard is seven hours away. I'll keep thinking. But the good kind of thinking, this time.
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