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12-03-01 - 9:57 p.m.

I bought plane tickets and finalized all the arrangements for my return to Harvard yesterday and today. It's on. I'm locked into going back, now. There's no changing my mind, I won't let myself stop me.

But it doesn't mean I can't be absolutely terrified. Just the slightest thought of going back, seeing Cambridge and Boston, seeing the awesome campus, knowing its history and significance...remembering that I was just there a while ago. It seems like it was decades ago. But it's only been five or six months.

I'll be leaving so much behind me. Bryan. Leif. Justin. Kellie. Sharon. George, Rob, Andrew, and Janet. I've wished my whole life to one day become capable of truly being emotionally independent, and now I'll have to be. I'll be leaving my entire support system behind me, and I know that I'm nothing without it. Without them.

I think I'll miss Bryan the most. I said Rob was my best Friend, but I know now that was a lie. Rob never understood anything about accent colors and the difference between velour and chenille. Bryan knows it all, and more. But it's not that we talked just about appearances. We've talked about everything, and I trust him to keep this diary a secret. He knows me and loves me. For me. And I am eternally grateful for his understanding, and for the fact that I know I won't have to sleep with him for him to cuddle with me. I love that I can love him completely platonically and not worry about what he isn't saying about me when I'm not around to defend myself. I admire his courage and envy his confidence. Even in a society where he is generally despised for his sexual preference, even after he has been the victim of a hate crime (someone wrote "fag" on his car), he keeps his head up high and doesn't give a damn what the world thinks of him. I know it's not just bravado, either. It's real. He oozes confidence about as much as I ooze insecurity. I wish I could be like him.

I am going to miss Bryan so much I know I'll go crazy.

But on the bright side, I'll supposedly gain "worldly knowledge" and "expand my horizons." Because, apparently, that's what college is for. Now I just need to choose a major.

Be aware that my diary will most definitely suffer the consequences of a college student's strained time schedule, though I'll try my very best to update just a tiny bit every day or so. These lengthy, drawn-out babbling sessions will likely become a rare treat. While the likelihood of me having a life in Cambridge is extremely slim, I'm sure I'll somehow find a way to force some sleep time into my study schedule.

Wonder what it's like to walk around Cambridge without a neon green cast on your left leg?

Which reminds me, I will be out of town this weekend, as I am going up north (Northern California...scary...) to bask in the beauty that is a privately owned cabin on Lake Tahoe. Good times.

 

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