12-04-01 - 10:29 p.m.

I don't want to go. No. I don't. I think it's a bad idea. I'm feeling this constant premonition that something's going to go horribly wrong.

I was telling Sharon earlier that I keep going back and forth on the whole Harvard issue. She made me weigh the pros and cons, the reasons why I want to go and why I don't. A peek into the lists I came up with:

PROs
�bragging rights
�the best education in America (so I'm told)
�a fairly liberal environment (seriously; Harvard is Democratic)
�possibly making new friends
�being able to rub the fact that I go to Harvard in Brent's and Ann's faces
�other typical college crap

CONs
�Brent and Ann are dead.
�no Janet
�no Bryan
�no other friends, no family
�I don't know the area that well
�I hate the book I'm reading for this reading list
�no sororities or fraternities
�cost of living
�cost of education
�Noah
�my support system will be 3,000 miles away

The biggest reason I was excited about being accepted to Ivy League schools was the feeling of accomplishment I experienced. I felt like I had finally earned something (my acceptance letters) I could use to garner some pride and respect from my biological parents. I did show them both my acceptance letter (I plastered a hundred or so copies to Brent's car) but it didn't get me what I wanted. They both came over to see me, and though I thought for a nanosecond it was to say "Good job," I was to find out that Ann wanted money and Brent wanted...well, I didn't stay long enough to find out.

Bryan doesn't want me to go, though I think that's mostly because I only make him pay half of what he should be paying for rent.

Flustered=me. I guess if I'm not sure, I should cancel my flight plans and burn War & Peace and wait until I'm 100% positive what to do. In the meantime, I can get over this pathetic pride thing of mine and take some classes at a community college to keep my brain from atrophy.

Looking forward to Tahoe...I have not been to Tahoe in years. Maybe we'll stop in San Francisco because I love it there and would live there if I had been born there.

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