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12-27-01 - 10:27 p.m. I'm quitting. I am going to quit. I'm quitting I'm quitting I'm quitting I'm quitting I'm quitting. I'm done. I'm quitting everything. Just one giant cold turkey. No cocaine. No marijuana. No heroin. No tobacco. No alcohol. No distractions. Nothing to keep me away from myself. No cutting. No way can I do this. No way in hell. I'm not strong and I'm not brave and I can't do it. I can't do anything. Bryan today asked me to prove to Justin that I was a gymnast by performing a handspring. I fell over. I went to buy milk and thumbtacks at the grocery store today and saw a homeless man sucking down a bottle of whiskey. I watched as he stamped out the lighted butt of a cigarette and slapped his face several times. He made eye contact with me and I immediately looked away, heading back to the comfort of my apartment as quickly as possible. For a few seconds, while staring at him, I thought to myself, that man is pathetic. But then, as I walked home, rubbing my hands together to keep them from freezing, it occurred to me that I am not, nor have I ever been, any better than he. I was high on cocaine at the time and had had plenty wine at dinner; how was I any bit above him? Unfortunately I still have in my head the remnants of the foolish perceived societal hierarchy I attained in high school. High school was such bullshit. So I'm thinking of cold turkeying...
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