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12-31-01 - 10:46 p.m. New Year's Eve has always been my favorite day of the year. Maybe it's the optimistic prospect of "starting over." Maybe it's the one day of the year I can pass off my alcoholism as "celebration." Either way, I'm at home, alone but for Mike, experimenting with being a Mature Young Lady. I've taken exquisite care of Mike tonight, played Sorry! and read him a story and listened attentively as he introduced his dinosaurs to me for the umpteenth time. When he was tired, I put him to bed, told him, "See you next year!" instead of "See you in the morning!" and waited till he was asleep before leaving his room. Then I left the room, pulled out and made my bed, checked to see if anything worth watching was on TV (no), and now I'm here. Typing in my diary. Certain people have accused me of being selfish for even thinking of alcohol or drugs when I have a child in my care. Never mind I didn't want to take care of the kid in the first place. That isn't the point. The point is that I am an addict. Of COURSE I'm going to want to feed my addiction! The fact that I've resisted was something I was ever-so-slightly proud of myself for, but considering I'm still thinking about it, it's apparent that no one such as me deserves that kind of pride. Jesus Christ that pisses me off. I'll admit I treated Bryan like shit last night, something he didn't deserve, and I apologized for it profusely all day long, to the point where he was telling me to "shut the hell up already." I may not be very smart, but I'm certainly not stupid enough to completely fuck up my Friendship with Bryan. I'm doing the best I can with Mike. And up till last night, I thought I was doing fine. It's not like I have experience with this shit. I don't know anything about childcare, which is why I don't intend to ever become a mother! I was told he's too young to know how to take care of himself. How do I know that? I took care of myself when I was his age. But that's not the issue, either. The issue is that I'm trying. And I wasn't stupid enough to try this by myself. I have two people here with me, both of whom come from stable families and have some kind of idea what they're doing. So too bad if you're upset that I'm thinking of getting drunk. If actions speak louder than words, how much more noise does self-restraint make? And everyone knows I'm incapable of self-restraint. I think I just broke two fingers. Maybe not. Argh, I'm just so furious I can't even think! Happy fuckin' new year. Now leave me the hell alone.
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