|
|
9-9-01 - 2:45 a.m. Though I have no intention of making this a diary of endorsements, I have to give a quick thumbs-up to everyone who worked on the film All Over The Guy. I haven't seen a movie that good in a very long time. Go check out the official website by clicking here. If you get the chance, go see it. Wow. I went to see it with Bryan, who had already seen it with Justin and thought (quite accurately) that I would absolutely eat it up. Bryan's really sorry about my and Rob's breakup and offered to kick his ass for me. Which was nice, I suppose, considering they're both such skinny little weaklings it'd provide me with hours of entertainment. Speaking of Rob, after procrastinating all day, I finally picked up the phone and called him. Rob said he wasn't sure he wanted to go to Madonna, stating that it would be "weird." What the fuck?! I said he was being stupid and demanded to know whether or not he had been cheating on me. He denied having done so rather profusely and I apologized. I asked him what was wrong, asked if I had done anything, and asked why it had to happen now. I told him, quite simply, that I needed him, especially now. I said I didn't need him so much as a boyfriend as a best friend, my only Friend. He said he understood. I hate it when people say they understand. No they don't! Even if they've been through something identical (which, by the way, Rob has not), they can't empathize with me. They don't know how I'm reacting to things, or how I'm dealing with things. They just think they do because of what I say and how I act. As I've stated before, I can be an extremely private person and am capable of expertly hiding my feelings. I should get a fucking Academy Award for all the times I ever acted like I was happy or like I gave a damn what happened to me. I just want to know why he had to be like this now. Right when everything else is so heavy on my shoulders I can hardly stand. He has been telling me for years just how deeply in love with me he is, and I've believed it, and I still believe it, so what the hell happened? It was my impression that things were fine, that he was happy (I know I was happy with him, at least) and that he'd be there for me. Maybe not forever, but at least until things in my life settled down and I could take it easy. Bryan has been incredible about it. He says he thought of Rob and me as "The Dream Team," based on the fact that we "just seemed so happy together." I spent a couple hours snuggled with him on the couch tonight after the movie, just talking about everything that came to mind. I told him I was mad at him for being gay because it wasn't fair that losers like me have to deal with straight guys and their typical noncommunicative idiosynchrasies. Lying there on the couch with my beloved homosexual teddy bear Bryan, I felt so lonely I just wanted to die. I haven't cried about Rob, because I know in my head that this is just a stupid, temporary thing that may end as soon as tomorrow. I'm just so fed up with being unhappy and having my every attempt at happiness thwarted somehow, I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I'm doing all the right things and am just waiting for the payoff. What I need is a bath and a book and a massage. And a good, hard martini.
|