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9-8-01 - 2:56 p.m. Well, I almost made a huge mistake last night. Rather glad I didn't. I called Andrew and invited him to come over. As soon as I hung up the phone, I wished I hadn't called him. When he got here, we started kissing and he moved to take off my shirt, which was when something strange happened. My long-dead conscience came back to life to smack me in the face. I pushed Andrew's hands down and stepped away and told him to leave. I said I was sorry, but that I "just can't do this." When he left, I locked the front door and called Kellie, inviting her over, though, clearly, not for the same reason. She wasn't happy that Rob and I had broken up, and was practically in conniptions that I had turned to Andrew for comfort. She did say she was proud of me for turning him down, and when I told her how long I'd been sober, her jaw hit the floor with a resounding thud. If it were possible to freeze-frame someone's expression, I'd hang that one on my wall. Being able to shock Kellie with something like that absolutely made my night. I keep replaying her disbelief over and over again in my mind. I haven't heard anything from Andrew, and I don't expect to. He may never talk to me again, but it's not like our past relationship ever had much verbal commuication in it, anyway. This morning I called Brian, my brother. (BrYan, my roommate, spent the night with his boyfriend and is out shopping today.) BrIan (that's the brother) invited me to dinner tomorrow night. I had to decline, cuz I'M SEEING MADONNA IN CONCERT TOMORROW AND YOU'RE NOT! Ahem. The original Madonner Party (lame historical reference...didja catch it?) consisted of me, Kellie, Jared (her boyfriend), Bryan, Justin, and Rob. That means I'll have to speak with the Young Gentleman about it. Finding someone who would want to go in his stead isn't the problem. Finding someone willing to pay to go in his stead is another issue. Each ticket was $100, almost exactly. I also need to find something to wear. Hmm. I don't know if I want to talk to Rob. I mean, I do, but I don't want to have to deal with whatever it is that went wrong and is apparently still going wrong. I also don't want to have to tell him about Andrew, though I know I will out of sheer obligation/guilt. It's just that our breakup yesterday was so abrupt that it's weird to think we're not dating. People have asked me why we split, and I've told them it's "complicated." The truth is that I have no idea why we called it off. And I'm not sure I want to find out. The other thing I did this morning was something I know I'm gonna be laughed at for doing. I went to my Old Place Of Business (a restaurant where I worked for almost two years) and talked to one of my old managers, surprised she still was working there. I was even more surprised that she recognized and remembered me as soon as I walked in the door. She embraced me, asked how I was doing and why I was home from Cambridge so soon. Dammit. So I gave her a very brief account of what had happened and an even shorter summary of the events of the past few months and then asked if the "Help Wanted" sign in the window applied to former workers. I told her about the coffeeshop and how much I hate it, and she said she would talk to the owner about bring me back aboard. I didn't exactly love that job, but it wasn't bad, and I actually got along with a few co-workers there. Especially Manager Keith... I noticed, while I was there, that the uniforms have changed. While I worked there, they were altered or else completely changed four times. It's ridiculous. But at least I never had to wear any "pieces of flair." I'm off from my actual job today, but have to work tomorrow. I'll probably just take it off, too. I have this much to say and it's only 3:00? Geeze.
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