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09-11-03 - 12:13 a.m. Huuuuuuuuuuge fight with Rob tonight. I know, I know, every fight is "huge." But I didn't throw anything at him, for a change. He left and slammed the door behind him. I could hear his tires screeching down the road. That was four hours ago. He may have gone to his friend Nate's house. Or maybe he's out getting some ass to cool his nerves. Seriously though, what is the matter with us? Oh, also, Janet called me from a hidden number just after the fight, and I answered it thinking it'd be Ricky, who was at a friend-who-has-caller-ID-block's house. She asked me why I hadn't been coming to appointments. I told her what I'd written here earlier: that somehow, it made sense to me to ditch her before she ditched me. She sighed and admitted to having been a victim of a similar illogical mindset many a time before in her own life. But she was very insistent on pointing out that it was certainly illogical, that it'd hurt either way, but at least it would be easier if I allowed myself some closure. So I have agreed to see her tomorrow for lunch. I broke down over the phone. What I said was that I was astounded at how stupid and foolish I'd been to risk losing Rob after losing just about everyone else I'd ever cared for. She said, "He's not going anywhere." I asked how she knew, to which she said, sensibly, "If he was as unhappy as you think you make him, he's smart enough to have bolted long ago." She then mused, and with (I'm beginning to realize) good reason, that by "punishing" him, I'm merely trying to continue punishing myself, that my (let's just say it) abusive behavior towards him is an extension of my own self-hatred, and because there's little left I can do to myself short of totally removing limbs, I take it out on him instead. Before I can treat him the way he deserves to be treated, I have to convince myself that I deserve to be treated the way he treats me. P.S. I remember.
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