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01-28-02 - 9:56 p.m. I was supposed to check into a rehab clinic yesterday. But I didn't. I'm not ready. I can't do it. I can't get myself help. I'm still too proud (read: stupid) and I don't think I'm really even ready to admit to myself that I may have addictions other than alcohol. Another major factor was less my fault than the fault of a girl I had been talking to, someone who had mentored (for volunteer hours for her school) in the program in which I had intended to participate. She complained that just about everyone there blamed something or other on one of their parents, or a sibling. Someone in their family, whose presence and/or actions could have affected their progress. She said it was ridiculous the way some of them claimed their parents had forced them to injest substances. "Why's that?" I asked. She snorted. "Well, I mean, come on, nobody can force you to get drunk." "You think not?" "Well, I mean, how?" "It's pretty simple. Basically, you grab your eleven-year-old daughter, tie her wrists and ankles together, throw her down on a couch, straddle her, force a plastic funnel in her mouth, and pour whiskey down her throat. She can't exactly do anything but swallow, and after a little while, she'll slip in and out of consciousness. And then, you can have your way with her and not have to worry about her putting up a fight because she'll be passed out from alcohol poisoning." I got the stunned look I always get when relating stories of my father. I don't know what's up with Leif. Or with Rob. But Bryan and Justin had some fun playing with my hair today, trying to teach each other how to braid. I ended up having to spend 20 minutes attempting to get a comb through my hair after a strange attempt at a "quintuple braid" went horribly awry. It's raining. There was a rainbow in the sky today. What is that? "God's promise?" Fuck that. Fuck "God." Fuck religion. Just fuck it all. I need a fix.
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