11-24-01 - 10:44 p.m.

Alcohol, my permanent accessory
Alcohol, a party-time necessity
Alchool, alternative to feeling like yourself
O alcohol, I still drink to your health
I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
Forget the caffe latte,
Screw the raspberry iced tea
A Malibu and Coke for you, a G&T for me
Alcohol, your songs resolve like
my life never will
When someone else is picking up the bill
I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
O alcohol, would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I'll use something else
I thought that alcohol was just for those with
nothing else to do
I thought that drinking just to get drunk
Was a waste of precious booze
But now I know that there's a time
And there's a place where I can choose
To walk the fine line between self-control and self-abuse
I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
Would you please ignore that you
Found me on the floor
Trying on your camisole?
O alcohol, would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I'll use something else
Would you please forgive me?

�Barenaked Ladies

I'm tired of people telling me to be myself. I'm tired of people telling me it'll be easier if I just accept who I am and say to hell with anyone who can't accept me.

Don't you people get it?! I don't know who I am, I don't know how to be myself! I only know how to be a million separate versions of myself, none of which I feel comfortable playing for very long.

For Kellie, I'm bubbly and fun-loving, always encouraging her to be more daring than she would without me.

For Bryan and Justin, it's Laura the fashion queen, the financially capable roommate with a love of gay men.

I'm Laura the sex kitten for Andrew, photogenic and adventurous and totally submissive.

Rob knows me as Laura the vulnerable daredevil. I'm brave but inwardly insecure and won't fess up to my feelings. He hates that.

With Leif I become evil Laura. I'm tough and hard and nobody has to know otherwise.

I don't know if "the real me" is all of this or any of it. I don't think I've ever known what I'm like. I just act a different part for everyone I know. I adjust. I change. I conform. All for the validation that's supposed to come from friendship.

I think I'm most like myself when I'm home, alone, and there's nobody to impress, nobody who can make me feel anything but myself. But how can I be sure?

And I know most people spend their whole lives trying to find out who they are, but that's not the kind of shit I wanna hear right now!

Janet let me work on my list of things I know for a while longer. Here are the things I know:

I know that I have the power to love and be loved.

I know that I am talented in many ways.

I know that it's okay to cry, even if it's every day, to let go of tension without involving blood.

I know that alcohol can't actually make me feel anything but sick the next morning.

I know that Sharon and George and Kellie and Rob and Bryan all love me.

I know that I love all of them, too.

I know that if I keep pushing people away, I'll never get over my feelings of loneliness.

I know that I won't ever be happy until I accept the fact that I do deserve to be.

And I know that I'm so horribly afraid of everything that nothing I want will ever come to me. And I know that as long as I'm afraid, I won't be anything but afraid. And I hate me for it.

BTW, if you're someone who has a problem with me, especially something that I think was resolved anywhere from one to nine months ago, please, by all means, IM me and bitch at me about it. I have absolutely nothing on my mind and would love to let you belittle me as much as you possibly can. Trust me, you won't be alone in your escapade. Nope, you've got plenty of company...it's National Pick On Laura Night. How are you celebrating?

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